When I Was Your Age...

You can't compare one generation's upbringing to the next, it's apples and oranges.  The economy was different, technology was different, education was different, social problems were different, morals were different, communication was different, hell, our place in the world was different.

The curve of progress and getting left behind is accelerating.  In just one generation we went from vinyl records to CD's, rotary dial phones on party lines to bluetooth, Black and white TV's to Netflix, corner grocery stores to Amazon.com, you get the point.  Everything is faster, more expensive, more complicated more dangerous and more disposable.

A few non-tangibles have gotten lost in the mix; respect, honor, commitment, community, contentment, safety and independence, to name a few.  I can understand the desire to climb the ladder and get the latest shiny bauble, I really can.  But we have lost our defining character as a people in the process.

A Change of Heart

What if a Grouchy Bastard found time to examine his life.  What if he didn't like what he saw?  The start of a new year can do that; make a person reflect.  It is nauseating replaying mistakes, wincing at memories of things you did and said that you desperately wish you could take back.  The past generates a feeling of fear and self-loathing.  I would sure like to live in the present, but the past and future tell me I will probably mess you just as I have before.

Once a month I air out my fears, and I expose them and remind myself that fear is the opposite of faith.  I make fear squirm in the light.  There is hope that springs from that exercise.  Hope and possibilities when I see all that fear keeps me from doing, and WHAT is the worst that could happen?

Grouchy of not, I have so many unlived dreams and hopes.  Sometimes I can't bear it.  I wish I could stop making excuses and live my life.  I have a bucket list a mile long.  It is intended for a life of adventure, yet I limp along.  Why do I exist if not to try to learn and explore and travel and struggle and create and LIVE A FULL LIFE!!!

First step is to get over my fears, to risk again.  To be wild and free again.

What Is Wrong With This Picture?

I am at the YMCA and I walk down the hallway and there are groups of teens sitting on benches texting and talking and taking selfies.  Nobody is talking.  Nobody is exercising.

I go to the local high school and in the cafeteria as students texting, sharing videos, playing games and updating their social media.  The day after I was there, a local scandal broke that some of the kids were sexting and passing around a naked freshman girl's picture.  What are they learning?  How to avoid getting caught (by using Snapchat or deleting their history).  They consider their phones a right and not a privilege.

I met a friend last week for lunch, he tells me that at his workplace that they installed web monitoring software to watch the employees internet use.  Seems some people are going places they shouldn't- shopping, social media, even porn sites- and it is having a noticeable effect on productivity.  So people are bringing their personal cell phones and tablets to work and end-running the web blocking.

This is what happens when technology out-paces our personal integrity.

The Problem With Some People (Not Me)

The problem with some people is that they judge without loving first.
The problem with some people is that they care more about image management than the facts.
The problem with some people is that their word is no longer their bond.
The problem with some people is that they view relationships as disposable as a TV or cell phone.
The problem with some people is that they love things and use people.
The problem with some people is that they see the sawdust in your eye and miss the plank in their own.

Grouchy Bastardism: Verbal Arsonist

When you are a Grouchy Bastard you sometimes say things that hurt other people, it's all part of the ready-fire-aim that is aging and losing your filter... Otherwise known as having zero tact, or as a friend says, becoming a verbal arsonist.

I use to hate that about my Grandma.  I stopped visiting her because she would start visits with comments like, "Wow, you've put on a lot of weight."  or "When are you going to get some decent furniture?" or "Are you still married to her?" and the conversation from there just went downhill.  To be fair, she had dementia in her later years, but she was famous for that kind of inept and uncomfortable dialogue far before that occurred.  The truth is I didn't like that in her because I didn't like it in me.

I hate to admit it, but I am sliding toward Becoming Grandma myself.  What is it that causes us to disregard that little voice that says, "Um, maybe you shouldn't say that out loud.  That could hurt someone's feelings."?  Maybe it is a tiring with pretense?  A cynical view of speaking the truth (or at least my interpretation of the truth)?  Instead of asking questions to understand, I make statements.  Overly bold statements.  Crunch goes the toes of others, and I can't tell you the friends I have hurt with my words.  Since I was a teenager I have moments when I have vivid recall and self-condemnation of words that have come out of my mouth that in recollection were socially awkward and unfiltered and I wish like hell I could take them back.  Once they are in the air, the fire is lit and there is no "unburning" a fire.

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image."  (James 3:5-10 The Message)

Yeah, it's like that....verbal arsonism.

I hate that part of me.  It's not bad enough I am a Grouchy Bastard but I just can't bear Becoming Grandma too.  Grandma died alone in a nursing home, she had scorched everyone around her.  

Sons of Grouchy Bastards

I had observed that my sons take after my wife in disposition.  She being from a stoic Dutch upbringing, shows very little emotion, struggles with intimacy and expressing her feelings.  I should have seen this coming.  Perhaps I just ignored it, grateful that the boys had not been too much like me.

My older son admits that this condition was a prime factor in his divorce.  My younger son is 16 and comes off as too serious with a dour air of superiority (a tendency I notice in my wife's family as well), he also admits that he has a hard time expressing himself.  My wife tells me of her parents never expressing much affection toward each other publicly, she can count on one hand the number of times her father said, "I love you" as she was growing up.  Her parents not only slept in separate beds but in separate bedrooms!  I compensated by lavishing her and the boys with loving expressions and encouragement both publicly and privately.  Alas, the boys seem to struggle with the same deficits in emotional expression and self-esteem, despite my best efforts.

I simply cannot relate to this, though I am patiently trying.  My family ran the other end of the spectrum, being a bit too hot and cold, considerably more expressive to the point of impropriety and temper.

They say we marry women like our mothers.  Nothing could be farther from the truth in my case.  I have heard women look for men who remind them of their father, again, not the case here.  My wife and sons simply have a different sort of character and self image and who is to say theirs isn't the preferable one?  My own passions tend to lead to places angels fear to tread.

I have the sense that the difficulty lies in relating to the opposite sex, which we are all a bit ham-handed about at times.  It sometime seems like they never developed a concept of who they are and how the opposite sex thinks.  Granted, I am no expert, but I always felt more comfortable relating to girls than guys growing up, I guess they just seemed easier to talk to in general.  In my earlier teen years, that changed when I began to think of girls as more than friends, more desirable to touch than talk to, damn those evil hormones!  But I digress.  Perhaps it was because of limited interaction with the opposite sex?  In some ways we all lead sheltered lives, avoid things that we fear or make us uncomfortable.  Face it, fumbling through understanding the opposite sex is often an embarrassing and humbling endeavor.  Who can understand the mind of a woman?  Who can penetrate the primal drives and ambitions of a man?  It takes a certain naivete to be forward enough to experiment with opposite sex relationships.  Determining how much of our emotions to reveal and what thoughts to withhold is a dance we all must learn.

Perhaps I am trying to micro-manage that dance for my sons.  Maybe I just wish they were more like me, which means I though my way was the better way all along.  Which makes me even more a Grouchy Bastard...

Trust No One

As I age, I am becoming more grouchy, more cynical and less trusting.  I have a cummulative experience of too many betrayals, had too many promises broken.  Hell, I don't even trust MYSELF most the time. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations.  Maybe I am wanting more from others than I do from myself?...

Ah, THAT hit a nerve!

Trust has it's place right along with forgiveness (which we aren't good at either, are we?)  LOVE is a combination of trust and forgiveness.  It isn't a nice neat transaction between two perfect people.  Love is messy, we try to get our needs met and meet someone else's as well.  Sooner or later, you will let them down, piss them off, act unfairly- not meeting their expectations.  Then the other person will get all offended and want an apology (which they MAY deserve) or worse- justice.  You don't want to go there, because if we all got what we deserved, our bacon would be burning in Hell.  People have a choice to make: forgive, or leave.  Loads of people have such messed up communication skills and a lack of commitment these days that they just leave.  You might recognise that relationships (friendships, business dealings, family tiffs) often will end up stronger if you will swallow your pride and work through the mess.  That takes maturity.

I will throw this in for free:  If you burn through friends, lovers and jobs it is because of you, and you ought to get that looked at- if you follow my drift- before you end up lonely and wishing you hadn't burned all those bridges.

Now don't leave nasty comments about situations where someone is abusing someone else or cheating or lying.  Most those situations involve two broken people and there is blame enough for both in most cases -though it never seems to be even blame does it?  Truth is you make choices and the other party makes choices, you make mistakes and so do they.

Sometimes we expect the other person to be for you what only God was intended to be.

Security? Personal identity?  Personal worth?  Protector?  Source of strength?  Those things come from God.  Anyone looking to their partner, friend or lover for that is bound to be disappointed.