When I Was Your Age...

You can't compare one generation's upbringing to the next, it's apples and oranges.  The economy was different, technology was different, education was different, social problems were different, morals were different, communication was different, hell, our place in the world was different.

The curve of progress and getting left behind is accelerating.  In just one generation we went from vinyl records to CD's, rotary dial phones on party lines to bluetooth, Black and white TV's to Netflix, corner grocery stores to Amazon.com, you get the point.  Everything is faster, more expensive, more complicated more dangerous and more disposable.

A few non-tangibles have gotten lost in the mix; respect, honor, commitment, community, contentment, safety and independence, to name a few.  I can understand the desire to climb the ladder and get the latest shiny bauble, I really can.  But we have lost our defining character as a people in the process.

A Change of Heart

What if a Grouchy Bastard found time to examine his life.  What if he didn't like what he saw?  The start of a new year can do that; make a person reflect.  It is nauseating replaying mistakes, wincing at memories of things you did and said that you desperately wish you could take back.  The past generates a feeling of fear and self-loathing.  I would sure like to live in the present, but the past and future tell me I will probably mess you just as I have before.

Once a month I air out my fears, and I expose them and remind myself that fear is the opposite of faith.  I make fear squirm in the light.  There is hope that springs from that exercise.  Hope and possibilities when I see all that fear keeps me from doing, and WHAT is the worst that could happen?

Grouchy of not, I have so many unlived dreams and hopes.  Sometimes I can't bear it.  I wish I could stop making excuses and live my life.  I have a bucket list a mile long.  It is intended for a life of adventure, yet I limp along.  Why do I exist if not to try to learn and explore and travel and struggle and create and LIVE A FULL LIFE!!!

First step is to get over my fears, to risk again.  To be wild and free again.

What Is Wrong With This Picture?

I am at the YMCA and I walk down the hallway and there are groups of teens sitting on benches texting and talking and taking selfies.  Nobody is talking.  Nobody is exercising.

I go to the local high school and in the cafeteria as students texting, sharing videos, playing games and updating their social media.  The day after I was there, a local scandal broke that some of the kids were sexting and passing around a naked freshman girl's picture.  What are they learning?  How to avoid getting caught (by using Snapchat or deleting their history).  They consider their phones a right and not a privilege.

I met a friend last week for lunch, he tells me that at his workplace that they installed web monitoring software to watch the employees internet use.  Seems some people are going places they shouldn't- shopping, social media, even porn sites- and it is having a noticeable effect on productivity.  So people are bringing their personal cell phones and tablets to work and end-running the web blocking.

This is what happens when technology out-paces our personal integrity.

The Problem With Some People (Not Me)

The problem with some people is that they judge without loving first.
The problem with some people is that they care more about image management than the facts.
The problem with some people is that their word is no longer their bond.
The problem with some people is that they view relationships as disposable as a TV or cell phone.
The problem with some people is that they love things and use people.
The problem with some people is that they see the sawdust in your eye and miss the plank in their own.

Grouchy Bastardism: Verbal Arsonist

When you are a Grouchy Bastard you sometimes say things that hurt other people, it's all part of the ready-fire-aim that is aging and losing your filter... Otherwise known as having zero tact, or as a friend says, becoming a verbal arsonist.

I use to hate that about my Grandma.  I stopped visiting her because she would start visits with comments like, "Wow, you've put on a lot of weight."  or "When are you going to get some decent furniture?" or "Are you still married to her?" and the conversation from there just went downhill.  To be fair, she had dementia in her later years, but she was famous for that kind of inept and uncomfortable dialogue far before that occurred.  The truth is I didn't like that in her because I didn't like it in me.

I hate to admit it, but I am sliding toward Becoming Grandma myself.  What is it that causes us to disregard that little voice that says, "Um, maybe you shouldn't say that out loud.  That could hurt someone's feelings."?  Maybe it is a tiring with pretense?  A cynical view of speaking the truth (or at least my interpretation of the truth)?  Instead of asking questions to understand, I make statements.  Overly bold statements.  Crunch goes the toes of others, and I can't tell you the friends I have hurt with my words.  Since I was a teenager I have moments when I have vivid recall and self-condemnation of words that have come out of my mouth that in recollection were socially awkward and unfiltered and I wish like hell I could take them back.  Once they are in the air, the fire is lit and there is no "unburning" a fire.

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue—it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image."  (James 3:5-10 The Message)

Yeah, it's like that....verbal arsonism.

I hate that part of me.  It's not bad enough I am a Grouchy Bastard but I just can't bear Becoming Grandma too.  Grandma died alone in a nursing home, she had scorched everyone around her.  

Sons of Grouchy Bastards

I had observed that my sons take after my wife in disposition.  She being from a stoic Dutch upbringing, shows very little emotion, struggles with intimacy and expressing her feelings.  I should have seen this coming.  Perhaps I just ignored it, grateful that the boys had not been too much like me.

My older son admits that this condition was a prime factor in his divorce.  My younger son is 16 and comes off as too serious with a dour air of superiority (a tendency I notice in my wife's family as well), he also admits that he has a hard time expressing himself.  My wife tells me of her parents never expressing much affection toward each other publicly, she can count on one hand the number of times her father said, "I love you" as she was growing up.  Her parents not only slept in separate beds but in separate bedrooms!  I compensated by lavishing her and the boys with loving expressions and encouragement both publicly and privately.  Alas, the boys seem to struggle with the same deficits in emotional expression and self-esteem, despite my best efforts.

I simply cannot relate to this, though I am patiently trying.  My family ran the other end of the spectrum, being a bit too hot and cold, considerably more expressive to the point of impropriety and temper.

They say we marry women like our mothers.  Nothing could be farther from the truth in my case.  I have heard women look for men who remind them of their father, again, not the case here.  My wife and sons simply have a different sort of character and self image and who is to say theirs isn't the preferable one?  My own passions tend to lead to places angels fear to tread.

I have the sense that the difficulty lies in relating to the opposite sex, which we are all a bit ham-handed about at times.  It sometime seems like they never developed a concept of who they are and how the opposite sex thinks.  Granted, I am no expert, but I always felt more comfortable relating to girls than guys growing up, I guess they just seemed easier to talk to in general.  In my earlier teen years, that changed when I began to think of girls as more than friends, more desirable to touch than talk to, damn those evil hormones!  But I digress.  Perhaps it was because of limited interaction with the opposite sex?  In some ways we all lead sheltered lives, avoid things that we fear or make us uncomfortable.  Face it, fumbling through understanding the opposite sex is often an embarrassing and humbling endeavor.  Who can understand the mind of a woman?  Who can penetrate the primal drives and ambitions of a man?  It takes a certain naivete to be forward enough to experiment with opposite sex relationships.  Determining how much of our emotions to reveal and what thoughts to withhold is a dance we all must learn.

Perhaps I am trying to micro-manage that dance for my sons.  Maybe I just wish they were more like me, which means I though my way was the better way all along.  Which makes me even more a Grouchy Bastard...

Trust No One

As I age, I am becoming more grouchy, more cynical and less trusting.  I have a cummulative experience of too many betrayals, had too many promises broken.  Hell, I don't even trust MYSELF most the time. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations.  Maybe I am wanting more from others than I do from myself?...

Ah, THAT hit a nerve!

Trust has it's place right along with forgiveness (which we aren't good at either, are we?)  LOVE is a combination of trust and forgiveness.  It isn't a nice neat transaction between two perfect people.  Love is messy, we try to get our needs met and meet someone else's as well.  Sooner or later, you will let them down, piss them off, act unfairly- not meeting their expectations.  Then the other person will get all offended and want an apology (which they MAY deserve) or worse- justice.  You don't want to go there, because if we all got what we deserved, our bacon would be burning in Hell.  People have a choice to make: forgive, or leave.  Loads of people have such messed up communication skills and a lack of commitment these days that they just leave.  You might recognise that relationships (friendships, business dealings, family tiffs) often will end up stronger if you will swallow your pride and work through the mess.  That takes maturity.

I will throw this in for free:  If you burn through friends, lovers and jobs it is because of you, and you ought to get that looked at- if you follow my drift- before you end up lonely and wishing you hadn't burned all those bridges.

Now don't leave nasty comments about situations where someone is abusing someone else or cheating or lying.  Most those situations involve two broken people and there is blame enough for both in most cases -though it never seems to be even blame does it?  Truth is you make choices and the other party makes choices, you make mistakes and so do they.

Sometimes we expect the other person to be for you what only God was intended to be.

Security? Personal identity?  Personal worth?  Protector?  Source of strength?  Those things come from God.  Anyone looking to their partner, friend or lover for that is bound to be disappointed.

The Inertia of Complaining

“Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out.” 
― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

People frequently complain about complaining, I do this myself.  Everyone knows that when you have something that annoys you, seems unfair or makes you feel bad that complaining solves our problems and relieves all the stress- it recharges and reinvigorates our energy.  No?  It doesn't make you feel better?

That's surprising...

Let's try a different approach, say to yourself “It’s not fair. It’s not fair they have the high paying job, . It’s not fair they have the big house. It’s not fair (insert what you are envious of here).” That should be the last time you say any of that because the shocking truth is life isn’t fair. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose so badly it is embarrassing; but that is life. We have to realize that there are some things we can change and a lot of things we cannot. Instead of complaining about the things we cannot change we should focus on the things we can. We should put all of energy into changing the things we have control over and not waste energy complaining.  Complaining is not going to help any situation and most of the time we complain about the symptoms not the problem.

Sometimes complaining is passed off as "working through our issues" but the truth is that it is only talk excusing our inaction.  

Think about it; if we do not get enough sleep, we complain that we are tired. If we spend all our money, we complain that we have no money. If we are not having a good time, we complain about how bored we are. All the things we are complaining about are just results of the real problem. If we are tired it is because we did not get enough sleep and complaining about how we did not sleep is not going to give us energy. The only thing that will do that is to sleep (although those 5 hour energies can help), so go to sleep earlier. Yeah, you might have been up all night doing that paper but how long did you have to do it? Complaining is also not going to make money grow on trees. If you want more money work more hours, do not buy that $200 pair of shoes, or manage your money better. If you are bored, find something to do or change your attitude and start having fun.

Yes, it is alright and probably healthy to have a venting session every once in a while. And yes, you can be doing everything right and things still may not work out but like I said life isn’t fair and complaining is not going to change that. So instead of complaining, take that time to figure out the solution to your problems. Invest in the future instead of complaining about the past. Words are not going to change your situation, so stop complaining and take action.

Christmas- Bah Humbug!

Why is Christmas not the magical experience it was in our youth?

Have you become a Humbugler over the years?

Where has the joy gone?

Have we been ripped off over the years in the great Collateral Exchange and no longer want to play along?

Are we just mad that our parents lied about Santa Clause?

Would we really kill the guy who wrote "Jingle Bells"??

Perhaps we have not seen "A Christmas Carol" enough times????

Although for many years Christmas has been justified on the grounds that it is "merry," rigorous quantitative analysis establishes that the opposite is the case. Despite claims advanced by proponents that the holiday promotes a desirable "spirit,'' makes people "jolly," etc., the data show that the yuletide time period is marked by environmental degradation, hazardous products and travel, and—perhaps most important—inefficient uses of key resources. The holiday is an insidious and overlooked factor in America's dwindling savings rates, slack worth ethic, and high crime rates. Nor does Christmas truly fulfill its purported distributional objective: the transfer of gifts to those who need them. Moreover, the number of people rendered "joyous" by Christmas is probably equaled or excelled by the number made to feel rather blue. In short, as shown below, although Christmas is an important religious observance that provides wintertime fun for children (who would probably be having fun anyway), it fails the test of cost-effectiveness.

Christmas consumes vast resources in the dubious and uncharitable activity of "forced giving." First, it is necessary to factor in all the time spent searching for "just the right gifts," writing and mailing cards to people one ignores the rest of the year, decorating trees, attending dreary holiday parties with highly fattening, cholesterol-rich eggnog drinks and false cheer, and returning presents. Assuming conservatively that each U.S. adult spends an average of two days per year on Christmas activities, this represents an investment of nearly one million person-years per season. Just as important is the amount that Americans spend on gratuitous gifts each year—$40 billion to $50 billion, according to the U.S. Commerce Department's monthly retail trade sales. Extra consumer spending is often considered beneficial because it stimulates the economy, but the massive yuletide spike creates numerous harmful externalities.

Mistargeted giving is one indication of this waste. According to New York department stores, each year about 15 percent of all retail dollar purchases at Christmas are returned. Allowing for the fact that many misdirected gifts are retained because people feel obliged to keep them (such as appliances, tablecloths, etc., which must be displayed when the relative who gave them to you comes for a visit), and allowing for the widespread inability of children to return gifts, this indicates that up to a third of purchases may be ill-suited to their recipients. Christmas is really a throwback to all the inefficiencies of the barter economy, in which people have to match other people's wants to their offerings. Of course, money was invented precisely to solve this "double coincidence of wants" problem. One solution would be to require people to give each other cash as presents, but that would quickly reveal the absurdity of the whole institution.

"Forced giving" also artificially pumps up consumption and reduces savings, since it is unlikely that all the silly and expensive presents given at Christmas would be given at other times of the year. One particularly noxious aspect of Christmas consumption is "conspicuous giving," which involves luxury gifts such as Tiffany eggs, crystal paperweights, and $15,000 watches that are designed precisely for those who are least in need of any present at all ("the person who has everything"). Most such high-priced gifts are given at Christmas; the fourth quarter, according to a sampling of New York department stores, provides more than half the year's diamond, watch, and fur sales.

Naturally, gratuitous spending delights retailers. Christmas accounts for more than a fifth of their sales and two-fifths of their profits, which suggests a Marxist explanation for the holiday—a powerful economic interest underlying the season's gift-centered ideology. But for the nation as a whole it increases the burden of consumer debt (almost a quarter of Christmas season sales are financed by credit cards or charge accounts, and January is the peak month for credit card delinquencies) and reduces our flagging savings rate (now below 5 percent of national income).

(Source: Excerpt from New Republic. James S. Henry)

Stages of life

"It is said that during our twenties we spend our time worrying about what other people think . In our thirties, we blame our parents for all our problems. In our forties, we finally realise that no one was really paying us that much attention and all our issues aren’t our parent’s fault after all." ~ Stuart Farramond

I would add that in our fifties we make peace with our God and ourselves and become more comfortable in who we are- and less tactful in our opinions which turns to bitterness when we are ignored.  As our health begins to decline and infirmity increases we realize the things undone and become aware that there are fewer days ahead than behind.

According to psychologist Erik H. Erikson, each individual passes through eight developmental stages (Erikson calls them "psychosocial stages"). Each stage is characterized by a different psychological "crisis", which must be resolved by the individual before the individual can move on to the next stage. If the person copes with a particular crisis in a maladaptive manner, the outcome will be more struggles with that issue later in life. To Erikson, the sequence of the stages are set by nature. It is within the set limits that nurture works its ways.  [I have included the final two stages here...]

Stage 7: Middle Adulthood -- Age 40 to 65

Crisis: Generativity vs. Stagnation
Description: By "generativity" Erikson refers to the adult's ability to look outside oneself and care for others, through parenting, for instance. Erikson suggested that adults need children as much as children need adults, and that this stage reflects the need to create a living legacy.
Positive outcome: People can solve this crisis by having and nurturing children, or helping the next generation in other ways.
Negative outcome: If this crisis is not successfully resolved, the person will remain self-centered and experience stagnation later in life.
 

Stage 8: Late Adulthood -- Age 65 to death

Crisis: Integrity vs. Despair Important
Description: Old age is a time for reflecting upon one's own life and its role in the big scheme of things, and seeing it filled with pleasure and satisfaction or disappointments and failures.
Positive outcome:If the adult has achieved a sense of fulfillment about life and a sense of unity within himself and with others, he will accept death with a sense of integrity. Just as the healthy child will not fear life, said Erikson, the healthy adult will not fear death.
Negative outcome: If not, the individual will despair and fear death

(Source: http://www.pccua.edu/keough/erikson%27s_stages_of_development.htm)

Get the Hell Off My Lawn!

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/50305818/ns/health-mens_health/t/get-my-lawn-why-some-older-men-get-so-grouchy/#.VHuh4tLF9OI   GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!!

Ways to cope when you are feeling grouchy

Found this excellent article to share- easy read

https://portal.lifeworks.com/materials/HPSActiveAssociatedFiles/4981.pdf

Genius of Cynicism

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”  ― Ambrose Bierce

“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” 
― Dale Carnegie

“Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

“Criticism of others is thus an oblique form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.” 
― Fulton J. Sheen

“But instead of spending our lives running towards our dreams, we are often running away from a fear of failure or a fear of criticism.” 
― Eric Wright

“It is much more valuable to look for the strength in others. You can gain nothing by criticizing their imperfections.” 
― Daisaku Ikeda

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” 
― Gary Chapman

“Most people don't grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging.” 
― Maya Angelou

“At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.” 
― George Orwell

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.” 
― Andy Rooney

Men and Grumpiness (Huffington Post)

Recent research states that more men suffer from 'Grumpy Old Man' syndrome when they hit 70. There are good reasons to believe this to be the case. Seventy is an age when men may become more aware of their own mortality as they see friends and loved ones pass on. They might be struggling with wearisome health problems, and/or feel depressed because they have no aspirations or goals left to attain. 'Grumpy Old Man' syndrome is also and most likely due to the fact that testosterone levels in a 70-year-old are quite probably half the normal levels of a younger man.

Whereas women's estrogen levels drop relatively suddenly when they go through menopause, causing a variety of noticeable symptoms, men's testosterone levels drop gradually over a period of time so the symptoms are not as obvious.

Men who suffer from this syndrome may experience a sense of feeling burned out, increased depression, increased irritability, increased anxiety, more nervousness, more joint complaints, reduced mental effectiveness, increased sweating, (and hot sweats in thirty per cent of those affected). They may have a need for more sleep or suffer sleep disturbances. They may notice muscular weakness, physical exhaustion, impaired sexual potency, a disturbed libido, and decreased beard growth.

Stress, toxicity, a poor diet with too many bad fats, autoimmune diseases and some drugs can also lead to a drop in testosterone levels. Also, abdominal fat, which makes estrogen, will neutralize the testosterone and cause levels to drop further.

Are only men grumpy? Of course not. Whilst there is evidence that men can suffer from 'Grumpy Old Man' syndrome, youngsters and women can also become grumpy.

Being grouchy is down to a number of factors. A person might be having an off day purely because they are not eating the right foods, or are sleep deprived. This is often the case for teenagers who are also struggling with fluctuating levels of hormones. Anyone who has lived with a teenager knows they are often truculent and/or recalcitrant. They have a number of issues usually relating to their looks, their parents, anxieties over their futures, and life in general. They rebel in a number of ways and become strange alien creatures to us more mature people.

So, why having lived with a teenager who has now grown up and left home, do I find myself living with a stroppy, difficult man who rebels by shouting at innocent cyclists, growling at the news presenter on television, or spends hours sulking in his shed? Because he too has fluctuating hormones, a number of issues relating to getting older, including his looks, and anxieties about the future. His grumpiness is a product of falling levels of testosterone along with frustration and worry about the future which is, in his opinion, running out fast. Thus it is the same for many men and women alike.

In Shakespeare's play As You Like It, Jacques speaks of the seven ages of man. While studies have tried to pinpoint the age at which a man may become grumpy, I believe there are five ages of grumpiness:

1. Whining teenager: The stage of life when he begins to change into an adult. Hormones transform him physically and mentally, lifting him high one moment and plunging him to depths of despair the next. He is frustrated because he is unwilling or unable to leave the protected environment of his home, yet despises the confines and constraints imposed on him by living there.
2. Working man: He is under pressure from those in charge, or by the demands of his own business. He has financial concerns, deadlines, and responsibilities. He loses sleep at night and grabs 'food to go' during the day. His body is imbalanced. His grouchiness manifests itself in complaints about his job, co-workers, and the daily grind he has to endure.
3. Mid-life: He has begun to age, "Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon, With spectacles on nose" He has now attained the position he once strove for at work, has fathered children, and has a house, a mortgage, and a car. He peers in the mirror and realises he is no longer young. He worries that he is running out of time to fulfil his dreams and ambitions.
4. Old age: He is a shell of his former self--both physically and mentally. He becomes invisible to those younger than him. He lacks a sense of purpose. He loses his firmness and assertiveness, and shrinks in stature and personality.
5. The final stage where he becomes dependent on others. He is frustrated and frightened. Little wonder he is querulous

.

Is there anything we can do to help our beloved grumpies? Yes. Be patient. Understand what is happening. Ensure you and your partner exercise, eat well, are occupied with hobbies and interests, and most important of all, make sure you both laugh. Maintaining a healthy approach to life will help hugely. Invest in comedy DVDs to watch at home. Go to comedy shows, films and read light-hearted books. Play cheerful music on your stereos and don't whatever you do, call him a grumpy old man.

By Carol Wyer (Huffington Post)

The Art of Being A Grouchy Bastard

Some people are just not happy unless they are complaining.  Bitch, bitch bitch.  I sometimes wonder why this is.  As we get older we become this way- could it be accrued cynicism?  Dissatisfaction with the younger generation?  A nagging sense that we can't do much to change people?  Or is it that we are unhappy with ourselves?  I recognize the Grouchy Bastard in me.  It has been passed down from generation to generation.  I am not sure if there is a way to reverse the process, but by God, I am gonna find out.



The first step to becoming a really Grouchy Bastard is to extend yourself grace and understanding for all your faults and to hold everyone else to a higher standard.  
The second step is to stop listening and learning.  This way you are always right and you don't have to be bothered with arguments and "facts" that don't match your experiences.
The third is assume that everyone else's motives are suspect.  Always be dissatisfied and you will never be disappointed.
Fourth, since you are on a downhill slide anyway, help keep people grounded from dreaming too big and help them avoid risks, they can be brought down to earth by your hard-earned wisdom and experience.